Since being here, I have realized a lot about myself through time with God, journalling, or through conversations with other individuals.
I love people to get love in return.
While I always knew this on some level, the extent to which I do this did not hit me until my time in Ghana. I do stuff for my friends, because I love them, but not only do I love them, I want them to love me in return. I want them to see what I do for them and love me because of what I do, not what I am. Shouldn't it be the opposite of that? Shouldn't I want my friends to love me because of who I am. Part of me is someone who desires to go back to the days of letter writing and send things to my friends, who wants to pick them up, send them cakes, throw them parties, tell them I love them, but that is certainly not all of me.
There is a part of me who exists merely to enjoy the simple pleasures in life like a nice cup of chai tea, a good book, a perfect chord, a smile, a look, a moment in time where I feel God's presence. There are parts of me who need to be held, that need to be told on a daily basis they are loved. There are parts of me that need someone to hold my hand, to listen to my story.
I don't think anyone has ever done that. There have certainly been points where a few have been let in. They have walked away. This unfortunately teaches me that opening up and letting people in is a bad thing. I am not saying that this is true, it is just what my emotions tend to tell me after such occurrences. The good thing is it provides me with a never ending need for God. It forces me to rely on Him, to cry out to Him, to seek His comfort.
While this is certainly wonderful and I would never say that I am not grateful for this opportunity to draw near to God, I think that there is a reason that I am not the only individual on the planet. I was meant to live in community with other people.
I wasn't meant to sit on this park bench alone.
There is supposed to be someone beside me.
I am very much alone. The majority of the time I like being alone. I know that seems strange, but being alone is when I am safest. When I am alone, there is no forced conversation or reason for me to open up. I can remain as I am. I think that is why when I am around people, including my good friends I tend to have word vomit. I can't form coherent thoughts or make statements sound the way I would like them to. I think my mouth is incapable of forming the words "You have hurt my feelings." I am much better at writing letters or phone conversations than actual real life interaction.
Why is this?
One of the things I love so much about Ghanaian culture is that the family is the center of society. Even your friends are your sisters and brothers, elders are your aunties and uncles. Life is centered around your family. You do everything together. You talk to each other every day. I certainly don't talk to my family every day. There are times in my life where I have gone several weeks- maybe even a month since being in Ghana that I haven't spoken to them at all. I could chalk it up to being busy, but isn't that just another excuse. Shouldn't we talk more? I don't know.
My friends and I have similar relationships. We talk once in a while, but never on a consistent basis. People who I love so much and that I desire to know. I don't make time for them. I don't even give them the chance to get to know me. I never call someone up and say - "Hey, I know this might be an inconvenient time for you, but I really need to talk about said issue. I know it is stupid, but it means a lot to me and it would really mean a lot if you could just listen." I am not saying that I should learn to be selfish, but I should learn how to have real relationships with those around me- ones that are based on mutual love and support. Certainly there will be people in my life who don't want that, and while I shouldn't discard them, maybe they aren't supposed to be my closest friends.
Not only do I want real friendships, but I want to learn how to love people better. I want to learn how to love my friends and family like Christ loves them. I want to love them unconditionally, seeking their higher good rather than my own. I don't want to care about them loving me back or them listening to my problems. I want to just focus on LOVING them the way Christ has loved me -without agenda. If we all learned how to love like this I am convinced the world would be a significantly better place to live.
I am seeking abundant life.
Kate I like this. I'm trying to learn exactly what it looks like to put those close friends and family relationships OVER the rest of life. I want to be that friend, sister, wife, etc that would drop everything...that is never too busy. But it's a tough balance!
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