38 days..

38 days from now I will be arriving in Missoula, Montana. This journey will be over, and I will be half way done with college.

These past few weeks have certainly been rough- I have had stomach issues and a persistent headache which have affected my mood a lot. There have certainly been times when I have wished for the comfort of my bed at Hendrix. Last semester, I remember a time when I had a high fever and my friends and room mate watched over me like a hawk- taking great care of me. I don't think I realized how much my Hendrix family does for me- until this trip. Thankfully I have great friends here who have expressed concern and while I am feeling much better I am still refusing to go to the hospital. I have been a couple of times with friends and I really don't want to go waste money and a day to find out I have a bacterial infection.

Other than not feeling well, the past few weeks have been filled with classes, lack of sleep, good times with dear friends, an amazing pot luck -guacamole- bruschetta- mac & cheese- and other yummy food, the discovery of vegetable kabobs from the night market wrapped in fax paper, and the leaving of one of our good friends, John.

While I know that I have limited time left in Ghana, I can't help looking forward to all the exciting things that summer will bring. My class, internship, weddings, a trip to Colorado, camping trips with Ghana friends(THERE WILL BE 4 of us in Montana this summer:)) and time with family and friends all occupy my mind and I can't help but find myself ready to embark on these new journeys. However, I really don't want to waste the rest of my time here. I still have finals, volunteering, books to read, and time spent with my wonderful new friends to have.

It's so hard when you are caught between two worlds.

This time in Ghana has answered many questions that I have about my future, but it has also made me realize how unsure I am about how my life is going to go. I have no idea where I am headed in the next two years let alone any time after that. I think God has really opened my eyes and shown me that I definitely want to go to grad school and get my masters in clinical psychology. I have also realized that I am certain that I definitely want my life to be focused on some sort of homeless ministry. I also know that I haven't found a people group that I am really passionate about on a global scale. I think for so long I thought I was headed back to Africa, but my time here has shown me that I am definitely not called to this specific area. Whether that means I need to head back to Guinea or another country outside of West Africa or head to a totally different location such as South America or Central Asia remains to be seen. I think reading the book Three Cups of Tea really helped me realize that wherever I choose to go- I need to allow God to lead and I need to have an intense passion for the area which I am serving. I completely believe that God will place this desire in my heart and tell me when and where I am called.

Realizing this was extremely difficult for me. For so long I had the idea in my head that Africa was where I was called and that returning would provide me with absolute assurance. Instead God totally changed my plan- and I feel guilty. How could I not be called to Africa? How could the passion and sense of direction that I felt leaving Guinea just be gone. I don't feel compassionate or good or worthy. I feel helpless, unsure, and unsettled.

Don't get me wrong, I love Ghana. It has been such an amazing experience and I am so glad that I decided to study abroad here. I just know that it's not where I am called. I hate that I feel relieved that I have certainty about this decision. I hate that it can be so easy to just discard a nation and a people. Maybe it isn't discarding.. .but I just feel like it is. The more I study and read and pray- the more I realize how much there needs to be done in this world and I find myself feeling that I need to do it all- that I have to do it all. That I have to have each portion of my life fully in sync with God at all times. That I must constantly be thinking on a global scale and reaching out to each people group- which is obviously ridiculous- I can't do it all.

What I can't understand is why I feel I have to? Why do I feel that I am a failure if I don't help each and every area that I come in contact with- when I don't feel compassion on everyone that I meet- when I don't feel called to each area that I go..


There is hope for me yet.. because God won't forget .. all the plans He's made for me..

I have to wait and see.. He's not finished with me yet..