This is one of my favorite sayings from Ghana- along with You're invited.
My time in Ghana is over. I have been home for over a week now and I must say it has been extremely emotional and hard. The first weekend I chose to stay holed up at home with my family , cleaning out the closet, doing laundry, working out, and watch some good movies- Country Strong was SO good- one of my new favorites. I have seen a couple of friends since getting back, but I look forward to seeing the rest of them in the upcoming week. It has been great to get to eat American food- lots of strawberries & salads- food has a whole new taste- although I could really go for some red red right now. I got my hair cut, my retainers adjusted, started work, and delayed finishing my books- Lolita and The Lacuna. I am just not in the mood to read those two works right now.
It's just easier to be happier in Africa. I don't know what it is about that continent, but I felt the same way in Guinea. I don't have to try as hard to be happy or work as hard to keep myself sane and emotionally secure. I can just be. I am more confident in myself and work harder at my relationship with God. I write more. I read more. I listen more. I am more focused on what I need to accomplish in life and how I can be there for others. I don't know why I am so different in America, but I am. It's frustrating and I hope I can work harder to become the Africa Kate, here in the U.S. I want so badly to be her all of the time. To be a strong individual, a hard worker, a compassionate woman.
I want to have it all, but being here in America often allows me to become less of who I was meant to be.. This is extremely frustrating. I need to work harder to be ok. I was watching a video on Project Lifesize-a channel for size acceptance - today and Gretchen said the following:
“I don’t feel broken anymore.. and really that was all I ever really wanted.”
I think that is what I need to work on over the summer months- not feeling broken anymore. In Africa I feel complete and whole- and I need to feel that here.
So here's to a summer of self-reflection, analyzing, writing, time with God, and recovery...
Dear Kate,
ReplyDeleteI love you!
I feel the same way about being at home versus being in Ghana- it seemed easier to be happier there. But I also think that it was easier because it was a break from the course of our normal lives (while still being a huge part of our lives), where we could just live and absorb experiences without having to make life-changing decisions. I hope I can hold onto the bitchy/happy person I was there as long as I'm in the States! But if it takes a few more trips to Ghana to reset myself, so be it :)